Meditation

We had our final practice interviews for Sterling Scholar today. As some of you may know (because I've been venting about this all day), I started out these interviews spectacularly. But as time went on, and as I listened to and heeded the opinions of approximately 30 different people, I kind of began a self-destruction pattern. My interviews got worse and worse. Today was the worst one of all time. I don't know if it's because I'm just trying to please everyone or if I am just strung out beyond all recognition. But either way, it's not good.

Part of my problem is that there is one question I can never answer: "Tell us about yourself." What does that mean? Do I talk about myself in an English sense? Or as a person in general? If I go with the latter, do I talk about myself academically, socially, religiously, personally... what? So I asked the lady that's been helping us with the interviews these questions, and all she told me was "It sounds like you need to get to know yourself better."

I really took that into consideration, and I spent the rest of the day wondering what that meant. Obviously, I'm pretty well acquainted with myself. I know my likes and dislikes, my favorite movies and music, who I dig these days, etc. I wondered what Mrs. Helper Lady meant by "get to know yourself better." So I decided to pull a Joseph Smith and go wandering in nature to find out what was going on with myself. I located my long-lost bicycle, cleaned him up, filled up the tires, and I was off.

I found a nice little place that was far enough off the road that I wouldn't be seen by passing Germans, but not so far that I had to hike very far with my bike. I sat on a blanket and passed the time by reading and responding to some missionary letters, reading my book (East of Eden by John Steinbeck. Quite riveting.), and recording my thoughts.

I don't know if I've exactly "reinvented" myself or anything to that effect. I did not learn anything new about myself. There were no epiphanies great enough to shake the very foundations of my existence. But I did sort out a few thoughts and emotions that I've been struggling with the past couple of months, and it gave me a chance to let go of the awful day I'd been having and allowed me to start over at 4 in the afternoon.

The overall experience gave me a sense that I'd just received a mental massage. Usually "me time" involves a bubble bath and a self-inflicted (yes, inflicted) pedicure and some form of a chick flick. But this was different. This time, it wasn't about making myself feel good. It was about giving some credit to the good feelings that I aleady have that have been overshadowed by the worried, strung-out, depressed feelings brought on by Sterling Scholar, school in general, and whatever else. I don't think this whole meditation thing was a quick-fix to make me suddenly 100% happy all the time, but it really gave me a drive to re-prioritize my life.

I really am a happy person in general. And I guess sometimes, I just need to remind myself of that.